1.30.2014

Questioning Home.

Nebraska, cornfield, Madewell, Topshop, Plaid, Denim, Fashion, Casual, Roots
Me in my natural habitat.
 Photographs taken in my hometown Newman Grove, Nebraska, on a perfect fall day in November.

I embarked on Rediscovering America with my eyes and ears open to what the road had to offer. Trip details came together so seamlessly, I couldn't help but believe there were great things awaiting me on the road.  I was open to them, including a change of city. I wasn't discontent with Los Angeles, but I was swayable if someplace new whispered my name.

Midway through the road trip I received a disheartening call from my roommate in LA. There had been another safety incident, the 3rd* in a series of crimes involving our apartment. We no longer felt secure in our own home. My roommate and our sub-letter were looking for a new apartment pronto, and they wanted me to join them... 

But I was dealing with a bigger question. 

This lack of stable housing compiled with some major shifts in my community earlier in the year and a general apathy toward my job made me question my place in Los Angeles. Was the city releasing me? 

It's a bizarre feeling when it seems easier to start over across the country than to haul my stuff to an apartment a few miles down the road, but that's how I felt when I arrived back in LA in December. The streets looked dirtier, the trees appeared more barren, and I began to ask why I ever came to this ugly, sprawling metropolis.**

On the road I fell in love with Nashville, Boston, & even southern Utah, but as I wrestled with the idea of moving, the place I could not get out of my head was my home state of Nebraska. Los Angeles is a tough place to plant roots; friends come and go, partially because the population is so transient, and partially because even a move across town can shift the dynamic of a friendship. With all this instability here, Nebraska began to sound mighty inviting.  I envisioned myself pursuing writing from this quiet place with a lower cost of living, less distractions and a built-in support system.  

I mulled over this decision for a few weeks, not breathing a word of it to my parents. If I even hinted toward it, they'd be on the next flight to LA to help me pack.***  I had to make the decision on my own without strong external (ahem, parental) influences.  The truth is, either choice was going to be difficult.  If I stayed in Los Angeles I had to move houses and find my place again in this city.  Although Nebraska has a built-in support system, I would have been essentially starting over.  After all, I haven't lived there in almost a decade. 

Finally, just before Christmas, with my roommates imploring me to make a decision, I sat down for a big prayer session.  The Lord had said He wanted to talk to me about it.  He didn't want to talk to one of my mentors and have them relay the message; He wanted to speak to me directly.  So after weeks of avoidance, weeks of fearing what He was going to say, I sat down to listen.  During this time The Lord confirmed all that I've been pursuing with writing a book, and He also resurfaced some dreams I had when I first moved here.  Los Angeles, although seemingly more difficult, is the portal through which I'll walk into these dreams.  So instead of leaving, it was time to reengage with this city.  

In the five years I've been in LA, this was the first time I've actively made the decision to stay, and it was important for me to do.  It caused me to think about my life here with more intentionality.  What am I doing here?  Am I living my life to the fullest and making an impact?  Los Angeles is not the type of city one should choose passively.  

On January 1st my roommates and I moved into a new place not to far from the beach. Every morning I wake up, walk to the beach and swim with dolphins.**** Lots of things are shifting, and it feels like a new chapter of my life, which includes a new phase on Goldrush. Starting next week I will be announcing my new focus, but I'm gonna keep you waiting until then...
*4th if you count my roommate's car was stolen TWICE.
**Debbie Downer.  Wah WAH. Ok, I was DEPRESSED. 
***I once told them I wanted to pursue teaching.  Their immediate answer was, "Great, it will be so good to have you back in Nebraska."  "There are schools in other states," I said. They don't understand why I would want to live anyplace else.  It's "The Good Life" after all.
****This part may or may not be true.  You landlocked folk, don't be so gullible.
Nebraska, cornfield, Madewell, Topshop, Plaid, Denim, Fashion, Casual, Roots, Marled, Penny Loafers
Nebraska, cornfield, Madewell, Topshop, Plaid, Denim, Fashion, Casual, Roots, Farm
Nebraska, cornfield, Madewell, Topshop, Plaid, Denim, Fashion, Casual, Roots, sunsetNebraska, cornfield, Madewell, Topshop, Plaid, Denim, Fashion, Casual, Roots, Corn, winterNebraska, cornfield, Madewell, Topshop, Plaid, Denim, Fashion, Casual, Roots, Blonde
Nebraska, cornfield, Madewell, Topshop, Plaid, Denim, Fashion, Casual, Roots, Tractor, Vintage, Borrowed
Nebraska, cornfield, Madewell, Topshop, Plaid, Denim, Fashion, Casual, Roots
Nebraska, cornfield, Madewell, Topshop, Plaid, Denim, Fashion, Casual, Roots
Nebraska, cornfield, Madewell, Topshop, Plaid, Denim, Fashion, Casual, Roots, Sunset, Winter
Nebraska, cornfield, Madewell, Topshop, Plaid, Denim, Fashion, Casual, Roots, Sunset, Winter
Nebraska, cornfield, Madewell, Topshop, Plaid, Denim, Fashion, Casual, Roots, Newlyweds, Love, sister
Photos by the beanie gang...aka my sister Tana & her husband Mike.

Tikki is wearing: Hat by Topshop, Necklace by Anthropologie, Plaid flannel by Dad's closet (yes, my actual dad), Sweater by Madewell, Coat by F21 but thrifted for $7 in Omaha, Jeans by Da Gap, Socks from Target & shoes from Hand-me-Downsville.  
Sunset by God.








1 comment:

  1. Sunset by God. I love it.

    Also Excited to hear whats going on. And where did you move tooo??! I wanna swim in the ocean

    ReplyDelete